The Canal

s01e07
(8th production episode, filmed March 4-8, 1963)

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NOTE: Tooltip text using the 'title=' tag does not work properly in Mozilla Firefox 1.0 (it ignores embedded CR/LF in the string, and truncates it if over 80 characters). The best view of this page will be obtained using Microsoft Internet Explorer. For example, whereas IE6 shows the following for the 8th still:
Exterior shot of canal and stone bridge.
THYNNE: (voice over) The canal!
SOUND: A diabolical laugh
MUSIC: Sinister theme.

Firefox instead shows:
Exterior shot of canal and stone bridge. THYNNE: (voice over) The canal! SOUND: ...

Entire tool-tips text (row, column):
(1,1) Eccles, carrying saw, rides on front of ladder...
(1,2) ...
(1,3) ...being carried at the other end by Eccles!
(Are there two of them?)
(1,4) Oops! The ladder is far too long.
(1,5) A spot of very fast sawing later, the ladder just reaches the branch.
(1,6) Eccles saws off the branch he's sitting on, but it is the tree that topples out of sight!
(2,1) THYNNE: Yes - and there's plenty more where he came from. Now over to this week's story...
(2,2) Exterior shot of canal and stone bridge.
THYNNE: (voice over) The canal!
SOUND: A diabolical laugh
MUSIC: Sinister theme.
(2,3) The Canal by Spike Milligan
(2,4) NEDDIE: (to camera) ...My father was the famous amateur brain surgeon, Lord Thynne...
(2,5) THYNNE: (voice over) Neddie was one of my adopted sons... In 1899 I built for my family a huge mansion on the bank of the canal...
(2,6) ECCLES: It was only a luxury manor - but it was home to me.
(3,1) Lord Grytpype-Thynne lies sleeping in a vampire type coffin.
SOUNDS: Creaking and a blood curdling scream.
(3,2) THYNNE: (calls) Not so much noise, children - daddy's resting.
(3,3) NEDDIE: After forty three years at college my heart beat with joy at seeing my dear old home once more.
COACHMAN: Whoa
(3,4) COACHMAN: That'll be thirty two pounds ten, sir.
(3,5) NEDDIE: Villain of villains! Five shillings and not a penny more.
(3,6) NEDDIE: On second thoughts, here's a penny tip. The spirit of charity is not dead, you know.
(4,1) COACHMAN: Ah, but it ain't 'alf sick, mate.
(4,2) Door creaks open and Neddie enters.
(4,3) THYNNE: Neddie!
NEDDIE: Father! You - you are Father, aren't you?
THYNNE: Do I have to undress?
NEDDIE: But you've changed! You look tired, weary - your eyes...bloodshot and red-rimmed. What has caused this?
(4,4) THYNNE: We've bought a television set, Neddie.
(4,5) THYNNE: Promise me...never go near the Canal.
NEDDIE: But why not?
THYNNE: (flaming rage) Just never go near the canal that's all! (sweetly) Now, you must be tired. (calls) Eccles!
(4,6) ECCLES: Did you call, my Daddy?
THYNNE: Eccles - get your things out of Neddie's room.
ECCLES: Okay!
(5,1) Eccles opens the door and various animals rush out into the hall and charge off...
(5,2) THYNNE: Right, Moriarty, he's asleep.
MORIARTY: Sapristi blams. Take that (wallops Neddie on nut with mallet).
(5,3) Thynne and Moriarty observe something splashing into the canal.
(5,4) THYNNE: Hello, Lloyds. About that Life Insurance against drowning - yes, on my son Neddie, yes. Well, it appears to have matured. You'll bring the money round? Thankyou.
(5,5) THYNNE: Forty thousand pounds, just for throwing little Neddie in the canal - ha ha...
(5,6) Door opens. Neddie enters covered in pond weed.
(6,1) NEDDIE: (gasping) Father, I ---
THYNNE: Neddie! You've been playing in the canal - I told you to stay away! (calls) Eccles!
(6,2) ECCLES: Come on, all out. Out, out.
As before, numerous animals rush out.
(6,3) NEDDIE: (voice over) For three days I was kept locked in my room, chained to the bedpost. At night I could hear digging in the cellar. It almost made me think.
(6,4) THYNNE: Neddie, I've brought two freshly released physicians to see you.
(6,5) NEDDIE: But, there's nothing wrong with me.
THYNNE: Not yet, but we must plan ahead. Dr. Yakamoto, the treatment please.
(6,6) YAKAMOTO: Would the honourable Neddie put both feet into this delicate three ton iron container.
(7,1) MORIARTY: Good, now we pour in the concrete, so.
(7,2) Concrete being poured into the container.
(7,3) THYNNE: You see, Neddie - the doctors say - when the concrete block set on your feet, you won't be able to run away and play near the Canal! (maniacal laugh).
(7,4) THYNNE: Hello Lloyds? I want to add to that last policy on my son, Neddie... Yes, I know it's not likely to happen, but just in case.
(7,5) Two figures on top of bridge above the canal. A splash is heard.
(7,6) Hem Lock Keeper,s house.
NEDDIE: (out of shot) Hellllppppp!
(8,1) MINNIE: There's a gentleman in the canal, Henry.... He said 'help' Henry.
(8,2) CRUN: That's the Anglo Saxon distress call, isn't it? Quick - my regulation length lock keepers bathing drawers.
MINNIE: At once, Henry.
CRUN: Hurry, Minnie, every year is precious.
(8,3) MINNIE: Hello, Ajax Laundry? Could you speed delivery of Mr. Crun's bathing drawers?
NEDDIE: Heeellllppp!
MINNIE: They can't deliver till next Tuesday, Henry.
CRUN: Oh dear, it's a bit risky, you know.
(8,4) CRUN: Pardon me, sir, but can you keep afloat till next Tuesday?
NEDDIE: NO! Help, I'm going down.
CRUN: Don't do that sir, or you'll drown. Hand me the life-saving manual, Min.
(8,5) CRUN: Hello, Mr. Seagoon - follow these vital instructions and you'll be saved by safe.
(8,6) NEDDIE: Yes, but hurry.
(9,1) CRUN: Take three dozen eggs and break into a porcelain bowl...
(9,2) CRUN: Right - now add four pounds of millet flour and bring the mixture to...
(9,3) CRUN: Minnie, this isn't the swimming manual.
MINNIE: Oh, no, no, it's the cookery book, Henry.
(9,4) ABDUL: A gentleman from Lloyds sir.
THYNNE: Lloyds!!!
(9,5) THYNNE: Let's get down to business at once. The insurance money on my son, Neddie - forty thousand pounds, I think, yes?
(9,6) BLUEBOTTLE: Yes - but it is all in pennies.
THYNNE: Forty thousand pounds in pennies. Eccles?
(10,1) ECCLES: Yes, Daddy?
THYNNE: Your hat, lad.
ECCLES: Okay.
(10,2) BLUEBOTTLE: He he he - what was that dreaded scream, what I heard with my little ears?
THYNNE: Oh that was just my elderst thing. Nothing at all - now just count out the money.
(10,3) ECCLES: One, twopence, threepence, fourpence, fivepence,...
(10,4) Summer passes...
(10,5) Autumn passes...
(10,6) Winter passes...
(11,1) Spring passes...
(11,2) THYNNE: Thoses scenes...were for people who'd have been bored by the sight of Bluebottle counting forty thousand pounds into Eccles' hat.
(11,3) BLUEBOTTLE: Four million eight hundred and thirty three pennies.
(11,4) BLUEBOTTLE: Four million eight hundred ---
Then Eccles drops the hat which falls with a crash of pennies onto the floor!
(11,5) ECCLES: Oops, sorry. Hah hoo.
BLUEBOTTLE: You raving nit you ---
(11,6) SOUND: Door opening
(12,1) NEDDIE: Father ---
THYNNE: (rage) Neddie - you!!
(12,2) ECCLES: Come on, all out now, shoo -- shoo --
(12,3) ECCLES: Come on, out you go ---
(12,4) THYNNE: Why, Neddie, you're safe, dear boy. Thank heaven.
(12,5) BLUEBOTTLE: Well, you will not need this dreaded money for his drowning.
(12,6) BLUEBOTTLE: Thinks... This will save Lloyds a lot of money and who knows a managerial job for Bluebottle.
(13,1) THYNNE: Now little Neddie - you've been playing in the canal again. It's got to stop!
NEDDIE: I agree, father.
THYNNE: Silence when you talk to me! Eccles?
(13,2) ECCLES: Yes, Daddy?
THYNNE: Take him out in the garden and put these sticks of dynamite into his concrete blocks.
ECCLES: Okay, Daddy.
(13,3) THYNNE: ...I want to insure Neddie in the event of him ever putting concrete blocks on his feet, blowing himself up with dynamite and landing in the canal....I know it's not likely to happen, but just in case -
EXPLOSION. SPLASH.
NEDDIE'S VOICE OVER: Heeellllppp!!!
THYNNE: Ask your man to call again will you?
(13,4) BLUEBOTTLE: There, that is the lot, Lord Thynne.
THYNNE: Yes - forty thousand pounds...
(13,5) NEDDIE: Father ---
THYNNE: You!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh, little Neddie. Ah well, - could I have the money back please?
(13,6) THYNNE: No! Hands up both of you! ...Eccles - takes these two men and chain them in the dungeon!
(14,1) NEDDIE: Don't you see Eccles - he wants to kill us all, and that includes you.
ECCLES: Oooooooo
(14,2) NEDDIE: Now listen, we've got to think quick.
ECCLES: Dat leaves me out.
NEDDIE: We're going to throw Father in the canal!
(14,3) SOUND: SPLASH - SPLASH - SPLASH.
After each splash, and in turn, we hear Eccles, Bluebottle, and Neddie cry for help.
THYNNES VOICE: (maniacal laugh) Ha ha ha - you didn't think you could - ooooH! Ahh!
SOUND: SPLASH
THYNNE'S VOICE: Who did that?
(14,4) CRUN: Hello, Lloyds? About the life insurance I took out on the four gentlemen ---